while most people complain about how their life sucks because they don’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend, this post is about my complaints and how it sucks because it just sucks. if you’re thinking “oh my god another person who won’t stop complaining about her life” then i advice you to click either cmd+w or ctrl+w and get the fuck outta here.
i don’t know where to start. march has been a crazy month for me. i went to spain for spring break, got back, and two days later, had to return to Singapore for my grandfather’s funeral (god rest his soul). i returned to switzerland and attended only one week of classes and now it’s easter break. there were three things i was excited about this break. 1. sleep/relax/calm down after all the travelling. 2. see my parents at the end of the break and 3. go rock climbing.
1 and 2 happens no matter what, but it was 3 that i was really looking forward to. i started rock-climbing in singapore last summer and fell in love with it. yet when i’m in lausanne, i can’t find people who are interested enough to come with me. when i finally figured (or so i thought) that my house mate went once with the school and wanted to go again, i was so freaking excited i couldn’t stop talking about it. i couldn’t wait for easter break and wrap my fingers around those rocks. but as fate/luck/karma has it, of course my friend bails. of course. why did i not see that coming?
there’s a whole story behind it, but i don’t want to publicize it in case someone i know stumbles across this (even though nobody knows i have a blog)
i think this anger and bitterness comes from the fact that i am constantly pulled back to that place- the place where i can’t trust anybody around me. growing up, i’ve always thought i’ve had these best friends who will always be there for me. but in one way or another, they always end up disappointing me. with this situation, i guess it brings me right back there- somebody says they’ll do something and they end up backing out.
why am i in switzerland? i’ve been battling this question since my freshmen year here, and i still can’t figure it out. i don’t have the guts to quit and start over elsewhere, but i can’t stop complaining about how much i hate this place. i’m not motivated by anybody or anything here, i can’t be bothered to do anything about it. what i tell myself is: stick this out for another 2 and a half years, and i never have to come back again. i won’t have to be surrounded by people who are demotivated and who don’t know what they want in life. this kind of influence is un-needed and un-wanted, but it’s probably all up to me to change it. yet i don’t have the motivation either. it’s okay- i’ll be out of here soon enough right? in the meantime, i think i need to buy a guitar so i can have a hobby.
that is what’s getting me through. can’t wait to get out of here and start living.
i was so reluctant to go with you that day, but it was a day that changed my life.
it’s hard to fathom how there are almost 7 billion people in the world, and yet we still feel lonely every day. why is this?
Dear Photograph,
Her love was my chemo. I beat cancer.
Eric Richter
Dear Photograph,
We were inseparable for 26 years, till cancer came her way. Can you please give me my sister back?
Loesje Kessels
i had an accounting mid-term yesterday and i completely flunked it (god i hate adjusting!). i don’t mean 60% flunk, i mean 40% flunk. i’m sure of it. and it completely sucks because i know it’s my fault that i didn’t study enough. i was working as extra’s on tuesday and thursday night, and wednesday afternoon; i only had friday night to study. (i studied from 8pm to 5 am). i thought it was enough, but evidently not.
then at 6 pm i went down to migros/denners at croix blanche to buy some tights before i went to a friend’s birthday party. the bus already came when we were walking towards the stop, and i figured: it’s saturday evening- there won’t be any checkers on the bus. so we get to epalinges-centre, one stop before croix blanche and there were no checkers. and we get to croix blanche, and guess what? 6 ticket-checkers standing there. my friend and i were gonna get off, but we were blocked by two of them. so i got fined 100CHF. that is 700RMB. this money can buy me 2 months worth of groceries and it takes me 4 hours of work to earn back. just thinking about how much money it was (my family is not in a good financial situation), and what bad luck i had (could have gotten off the stop before and walked or stayed on the bus. they didn’t even get on the freaking bus), AND on top of the shitty accounting exam, that was when the tears started coming. i don’t think i have cried in public this bad before.
i had to call my mum.
after i bought my tights, i went outside and called her. as soon as i heard her voice, i was literally sobbing. the kind where you have to take a breath every time you speak- not because you have to, but because you can’t control it. it’s like hiccups every second, and sometimes 3 hiccups in a row before you can get a word out of yourself. yeah. you can imagine. i thought i was going to die.
it was horrible.
but my mum is amazing and she said that 100CHF was just a number. next time always buy a ticket. and then she asked me how i was.
i miss her so much. i miss my dad as well. and my sister.
i didn’t think i wouldn’t enjoy university as much as i do. that’s kinda redundant. haha. but really. i look at all the fun my high school friends are having in the states, and i ask myself: why didn’t i choose to go to ithaca college for music? something i love to do? i look at my sister and see how much fun she’s having in singapore. i just want to go back so bad.
maybe because i was scared to pursue my dream? because i think i’m not good enough? but what am i good at? wow. if i keep going, i’ll never stop.
my life is such a dilemma.
